Sometimes nurses are viewed as some kind of special kind of health care service…waitress.
Waitresses with stethoscopes. And then there’s people who really have no idea how highly trained nurses are, and how we stand guard every minute of their stay on their behalf.
What it would look like if nurses were waitresses:
“Hi there! (flips name badge forward). Welcome to Happy Hospital! My name is Amanda, and I’ll be taking care of you today. We have 24 hour room service and serve breakfast in bed. All menu items can be served pureed or chopped, and via your route of choice. I’m here to take your order. Here is your informed consent in your preferred language for you to sign if you are ready to order.
But first let me tell you about the specials we are offering today along with the risks and benefits:”
- You may want to start with the influenza vaccine. Most people start their course with this popular seasonal special, offered October through March only. We do have a two for one special if you order this along with your pneumococcal vaccine.
- Early Recognition of Sepsis This choice comes with a lactic acid appetizer, followed by a generous crystalloid bolus of 30 mL/kg of fluid, and chef’s choice of a broad spectrum antibiotic. It’s very popular as it saves lives.
- Pain Relief For pain of 7-10 and above, we are running a special on the IV dilaudid. We also offer a la carte morphine, fentanyl, non-steroidal anti inflammatories, and more. Posers will be given Toradol. We can recommend an individualized dose and route to meet your needs- PO, IM, IV, and rectal. For this item, you are required to show two patient identifiers.
- Vigilance served over a bed of Expertise This is our signature sampler platter. It includes ABGs, labs, vital signs, blood transfusions, arrhythmia management, and the watchful expertise of a professional registered nurse with a stethoscope. This comes served with a medium beverage of your choice. I recommend the Ensure over ice.
- Cardiac Care Includes a stat EKG and serial troponins both of which I am qualified to interpret. If it shows a STEMI I will get you to Cath Lab, on the table, balloon inflated, within 25 minutes.
- Basic Bowel Prep Your standard and time honored jello, clear broth and Go-Lytely. Followed by serial enemas which you will be encouraged to hold before expelling…but more about those later. Comes with your choice of bedside commode, bedpan, or private bathroom.
- ACLS, Pressors and Central Lines If needed, I will save your life because I’m trained in advanced cardiac life support. If I do save your life, you’ll likely never know and will probably thank the doctor.
- Compassion and Safe Passage All of our items come with a generous side of compassion and a committment to your safe passage. It’s our house speciality.
A good waitress always circles back to re-assess. “Can I freshen your IV solution? A little more D51/2 for you? Let me get you a pillow, some dignity and respect. Remove your foley to prevent HAI? How about some magnesium for those pesky PVCs?”
How about you, fellow nurses? Do you have any menu items to add? I’d love to hear.
Until next time friend,
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You can also come visit me at Ask Nurse Beth career column at allnurses.com for all kinds of entertaining and informative career questions and answers, and to submit your own question 🙂
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